I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
