I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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