I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
