I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
