even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You left your phone here
Wait...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
