So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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