I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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