I have demons in me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
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We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
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I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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