so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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