I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
