Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
