If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
