we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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