Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
