Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
