my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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