She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
