Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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