oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
