alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
