hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
