I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
