i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
