So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
