every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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