I'm drive I can fine osifer
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
