you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
