They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
is wine microwaveable?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
