Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
