Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
