I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
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Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
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He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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