mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
