She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
