her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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