And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
