My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
