i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Princesses don't give blow jobs
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You should frame my arrest warrant.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
