Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
