She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
