thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
