you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
