I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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