I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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