OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
