You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He passed out mid-signature
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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