It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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