you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
should my penis look like a turkey
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
