barbara walters just said penis...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
