I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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