the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
