I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
