don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
