I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
