My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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