She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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